My life's work.

I recently started a job in a factory where all I do is sit and pack boxes. It isn't the most exciting job and doesn't really need more than one brain cell to do it. It is perhaps the most boring and mundane job that I have ever done in my life.

I feel like there is no sign in the distance telling me it will be okay to stop doing said job and knowing this makes me feel a little down about life. At the moment I feel like I'm painting a dull picture of the supposed “real” working world, where everyday the work load is repetitive and tiring without being very stimulating or rewarding.

I am tired all the time and tried even more so of people telling me that this is how the world works. As if I'm supposed to believe that there is nothing more too it and all I need do is work until I either retire or die of boredom with a couple of holidays in between.

Life shouldn't be this way. This way should not be how people assume life is. What is the point in living if all you intend to do is work, going from job to job to survive at best? Surely at some point in our lives, we all sit and contemplate what exactly we are here for and why we exist?

For some the answer is simple, and that is there is no reason, we are just here. To an extent I agree but when looking at this question in a slightly different way it makes me think and wonder if we are asking ourselves the right questions.

We should not simply be questioning the what and why but asking why we want to be here and why we want to exist. Speaking to friends and family alike, it seems people tend to lose sight or forget what these answers are as life goes on.

Right now I am in a slow part of my life. I am at a point where I could very easily lose touch of what is important to me and why it is important but I know that as long as I remember my own answers to the question I will be okay. I want to be here to understand the world, to one day make peace with it and feel connected to it. I want to exist to follow my dreams and to make said dreams a reality. I want to be inspired by life not frustrated by it.

A few lonely moments.

 Having not written anything in a while I have decided to make a come back for the 7^th time and actually sit and write something on this blog. Since my last entry I suppose much has happened but nothing of massive interest that I need announce on the internet as its about the equivalent of telling someone in a public toilet about your day; completely unnecessary and just plain awkward.

Instead I'm going to write about something I think everyone can or has been able to relate too at some point in their lives and that is to be lonely. I've come in to a period in my life where I am perhaps the loneliest I have ever been in my twenty-one years. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not at the point where all social interaction is with several cats, I'd say I'm a good few steps away from that at the moment.

Before loneliness comes boredom. For example I have been bored for the past couple of weeks and it was only when I started to become active with in that boredom such as writing scripts, drawing, guitar playing...Writing this blog that I discovered I was not bored at all but lonely. A kind of lonely where you feel closed off from the world, the people around you and more importantly, closed off from yourself. When feeling alone you have the sense of not being quite complete because unless you start talking to yourself or make a sock puppet friend, you miss having conversations and challenging your personal traits.

Most people tend to become motivated by another's words of wisdom. Talking with other people stimulates the mind and helps to shape what your views and morals are of the world. When spending so much time alone you lose this ability and begin to question the only thing that seems to matter, yourself. Being lonely traps you with in your own state of mind and you tend to dwell on your own thoughts. Until recently I had never understood why more people do not spend time to sit and think but perhaps it is of the fear of what one finds out from doing so that is so off putting to many.

Over the past few weeks I have learned to embrace the loneliness as it is not forever or permanent but a passing in life. The people who are lonely and feel like they will always and forever be need not to worry, if it's been so long then change something. The longer you think about being lonely the more you will realise that perhaps you're not lonely but just scared to move on to the next step of life, whatever that maybe. You just have to remember to take that step and make things happen.

Freedom of inspiration

It would seem I'm having one of those days where I simply have an urge to write something, what I want to write about exactly I do not know. Three words currently circle my mind: ponder, create and inspire. All I can think about is how it is possible to achieve this. What inspires a person? 


Perhaps before this question can be answered I must first be able to answer it in relation to myself. For me, I think it is the idea behind the concept known as freedom and what exactly freedom is. Today I woke up, laid in bed for a couple of hours and did nothing. Is that freedom? In short for many the answer is yes, in the long term I would say the answer is no.


To me, freedom is self expression and acting on that expression. In more simpler terms freedom is about being able to let go and let your mind wonder between different opportunities. Freedom is about expanding your knowledge and mind. It is a choice of change. The opposite being a change without choice. Inspiration comes from change that a person has chosen to see and act up on. Is inspiration freedom?   

The world and its money

As my time at university comes to its end, I am now looking forward to the prospect of life as a young adult. There is a change in the wind and I feel that now more than ever I can see the potential the coming year has to offer. I see this because I have grown as a person. No longer am I a seed but the flower that has sprout from it. Sitting on a hill side, swaying softly in the breeze, waiting for the wind to blow harder and send my petals in to the sky where the new journey begins.


 I think I am most excited about the mystery that lingers in the air. It fills me with both worry and excitement at the same time. Though I am closing a chapter in my life I feel that my time at university has been well spent. I have discovered myself and who I want to be.


Living as I have these past three years, pretty much in poverty. I guess, although I hate to say it makes me really look forward to having money and being able to do normal things that people seem to take for granted in their everyday lives. The tragedy of this however is that once I have this money I know that I will become like everyone else in this world, completely superficial and senseless with spending.


I find it sad that money makes this world go around. I like to think my own world spins in a different way. I don't want to see the world with the view that time is money. For me time has never and never will be money. It's a shame that so many people have run with this idea and it seems they have lost sight of what the world actually is and what it meant to them once up on a time.


The world is a paradise filled with beauty, inspiration and creativity. It's not just the view but the feelings and thoughts it provokes and brings to your attention. Money destroys this view and is taken far too seriously for what it is worth. It's a piece of paper with too much power for its own good.  

The rushed entry

Okay, so once again I haven't written anything for while. Recently I've been really busy helping out on some other graduate shoots as I finished my own way back in December. After two weeks of unpleasantness I've been able to come back to my parents for a long weekend and chill the fuck out, which has been nice.

I haven't really done anything other than lazy around, drink and socialise with both family and friends but I think its sorted me out. I'm off back to Leeds tomorrow and in all honesty I'm not really looking forward to it as I will  be thrown in to the deep end once more.

Despite this I know that soon it will all be over and life will slow down, even if it is just for a moment. Right now a lot of things, too many things are all over the place, university work, money, and the next move in life. I know that I'll get it all sorted. I've just got man up and do it.

The Miracle

Today I felt my world crashing down. Today a miracle happen. It's something that I've never really experienced before or at least not in the same way as when previous events have happened. Today I thought my time in Leeds was coming to a sudden abrupt end and it wasn't nice at all.

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller-coaster and it's strange because nothing really happened. What I mean is that it was a time where no one else could quite grasp how you were feeling and what thoughts would be going through your head. I recently discovered that due to a misconception of a student loan date I had put my self in a very difficult financial situation, which in turn lead to me deciding and coming to terms with the fact of having to leave university earlier than expected.

I remember the exact moment of feeling the realisation. I was speaking to someone from the bank and as you might gather the conversation hadn't ended well, hanging up the phone I sat in silence and the room felt like a blur. My head was filled with thoughts and then one sank in. "I'm going home" I said a loud but more to myself than everyone else in the room.

They looked around at me confused as I officially announced that I could no longer afford to live in Leeds. The next few moments where just a blur of questions and then silence, I left and headed for my room to sit on my own. I sat and smoked whilst listening to "This Years Love" , closing my eyes I felt the music speak to me and then came what I had been waiting for, the moment. The moment where I suddenly knew how bad the situation was, how it couldn't be fixed and how I felt like I had been cheated out of my last few months of uni. For a moment life was unfair and then I opened my eyes.

I was back in the situation, back in the room and suddenly I grew up. I couldn't pretend any more that it didn't exist and that it wasn't bothering me because it was. I knew that I had to climb on, keep thinking and try different options.

After the afternoon passed by and work loomed closer my heart sank. I hadn't been able to figure out a clear idea of anyway to resolve the problem but only mere attempts at it. Disheartened  I went to work, where obviously I spent most of the time trying to come up with a solution and again as hours passed I began to hope for a miracle.

Giving that up I decided to actually start speaking properly to my friend Sascha who works and also lives with me. We were having a rather ordinary chat when he said something that made me stop and think. He had mentioned the word "bills". At that moment I lifted up my head looking first at Sascha and then up off in to the distance as the resolve sank in. I realised that my problem was also my solution. We had house bills coming out which made me think about the money to pay for them.

The next moment was weird, I could feel myself lift off the ground almost. My whole day had changed again. By lending from the funds for the house bills I could begin to fix everything with just enough time before things got worse. I then felt almost at peace with the world and not everything was quite so bad. My heart lifted, the idea had never even been considered.

Although it may only seem a simple resolve, for me it was a miracle and I'm not religious in the slightest but today I feel like I had a miracle and that miracle is my friends.

The unclear future.

Okay so I literally turned 21 yesterday and thought that a birthday blog would be appropriate. Yesterday was quite possibly the best birthday I have ever had. My friends took the time and to throw a little party for me, buying balloons and party snacks. It sounds a little cheesy but it in fact it was really sweet. To top this off they made sure I was the drunkest I have ever been in my life (at a club we went to later), bought me a few small presents and they gave me card.

Now although the card might not seem that interesting, it is what is written with in the card that spoke to me as I was reading. Instead of generic comments they were all incredibly personal and meaningful. My friend Tom literally wrote "You're the best guy I know". That line has really touched me as it feels genuine. It's made me think about all the different experiences I've shared and had with the people I have met at uni both the bad and good. It's certainly a different experience than what I have had with friends from the past, I feel like my university friends have changed me and I've become a better person for it. I'm more open, I'm more knowledgeable and I'm simply just a happier person. I'm starting to realise what I want, what I want rid of and what's now important to me and what I actually should be worrying about. I feel like I know me better.  I've been sat reading through my livejournal posts that date from the age of 17 to 20 and I can't help smile or laugh about some of the things I say or talk about. However with other things I'm starting to see a pattern:


 It was always reassuring when the plan was straight forward for the next few years yet the connection between college and uni feels so slim right now that it makes me feel rather uneasy about the next 3 years of my life. Though I panic and I worry about not passing my course I guess I should see it as some sort of adventure...the first time in 18 years were I'm uncertain where things are generally going. 
      To me what I've just written sounds like I'm about to give it all up yet I'm really not, I'll keep pushing until the very end of my college course as i'm not planning to let things simply just go down the toilet, I've worked hard today, doing hard work that I love to do. Making film. And I plan to continue doing this at a uni this coming September. -MAY. 30TH, 2008

I've recently been reading through the entries of just before I came to Leeds to start university and simply by reading them I can see how worried I was about the change that was about to happen. Now at the age 21 I'm in the same boat but apparently on a larger scale. Upon till recently I would agreed with the whole idea of worrying but over the past couple of days I've realised there is no need to worry. Now, when I say this I do not simply mean don't worry. I mean it in the sense that it's just the same feeling as before, life is unpredictable and who knows what will happen? Just like I had no idea with the whole prospect of coming to university. From reading that entry I can tell that I was passionate about film making and I still agree with that statement now. I won't ever give up.

The idea of turning 21 has made a lot of thoughts and notions settle on my mind like snow. Everything seems to becoming clear. So instead of writing an entry of how the future is uncertain and how worrying that is, I'll say this instead "The future is an unclear excitement waiting to happen." 

What are you?

Today I'm going to talk about being lonely. I'm sitting on my bed as I have been for the majority of the day and I've come to the realisation that lonely is exactly what I am. I don't mean in the sense of friends or family but in myself.

It seems recently that all my friends are "coupling" up and I myself seem to be single as per usual. I don't want this piece of writing to be simply moaning about how shit it is to be single but it seems like love is in the air for at least three quarters of the people I consider to be close friends. I just don't understand what it seems to be that I'm doing wrong, I always seem to end up chasing people that I'm interested in. 

I'm fully aware of the saying that you shouldn't go looking love and in all honesty I haven't I've waited and situations have risen, just nothing has ever come of them. It's like being in some strange cycle for me. I'm a not so gay, gay guy living in an extremely gay world when it comes to finding someone. I just want someone that has a bit more a personality and doesn't play up to the whole gay stereotype, for me being gay isn't my personality it's just a part of it. 

When I do find the type of guys I like it always seems the joke is on me. I become interested and suddenly they become interested in someone else. Usually someone who is more stereotypically gay and then I end up having someone interested in me that is not my type at all. Just one big circle. Maybe I should act more gay? Friends have always said they were surprised to find I was gay when first meeting but then surely I shouldn't change my personality to suit others?  I am what I am after all.

Life begins again.

      I'm now back at uni and some form of life seems to be reappearing. As much as I loved being home at Christmas its nice to come back and make a start at being busy again. As well as being busy its nice to have money seeing as I lived  literally in poverty for almost two years, coming out of that now is great. I'm at a point now where its a case of not got too much but not got too little amount, I can survive.
      Things seem to be looking up and I'm very happy about it. I don't want to jinx it but I'm pretty sure this is going to be a much better financial year and a good year in general.

The values we take for granted.

Today I went to a funeral. As we all know these are never the nicest of events and today was no exception.
I wasn't very close to the person that had past on but I have a list of situations where we have ended up crossing each others paths. The funeral was of a young man, he died at the tender age of seventeen.

I remember standing listening to the speeches of what he had achieved and how he had done so much in his short life and I remember looking around the room and watching peoples eyes fill up with tears whilst mine remained dry. I then saw the boys mum and all at once I could not help but feel over whelmed with emotion. I thought back to the age of 13 when I myself lost a close friend and began remembering everything all over again.

I remembered how difficult it was and I kept thinking he would be returning to school the next day which of course was never going to happen. After the funeral my parents drove over to where the wake was being held, I saw people I knew and people I had never met all hugging and comforting each other and then I saw the slide show of  the boys photos being displayed on a screen.

My emotions took over me and away from where I was. All I could think about was how unfair the world is to those that don't deserve it to be at all. I couldn't help but think about how his family must feel and how although today has been a statement of saying good bye they will not be saying that for a very long time. It made me think about how it will change their lives and how ever hard they try they will never be the same.

After thinking all these things I found it very hard to talk to anyone or listen to what they were saying because all I could think about was relating my similar experience with theirs. I came home and couldn't hold back tears any longer, I was sad. Sad for his family, sad for something they will never be able to replace. Today has influenced me and made me realise how important both life and death are, how much I value my friends and family that I have around me and how lucky I and many other people are to have these things.

R.I.P Greg, although you are gone from this earth I know you will never be forgotten.

Hoping for reality.

Today I did nothing or so it felt like I did nothing but in actual fact I may have done more for my future than I have in the past couple of weeks as today I applied for a job via the BBC. I spent last night concentrating on finishing of what I consider to be "my real CV" and not some half arsed one that I use when applying for part time jobs. To be honest I'm pretty proud of it and although I'll probably never mention that to anyone ever in person I can happily shout it out for the world to hear (or rather read) online, that is of course if anyone is listening.

      After completing the CV I decided to scan the BBC website for jobs and after flicking through a couple of pages and reading a few job descriptions I decided to call it a night. I lay there thinking about how one of those jobs could change my life around completely and as I drifted off to sleep I began to dream of what it might be like to be living that life.

  This morning I woke up determined to make that dream a reality. I went on to the BBC site and hit the apply button and then after a good 3 hours I had applied and sent off my application form.   

       Now in an ideal world I'd magically get this job and would be able to start thinking what I would need to change but unfortunately I don't have a time machine and can't put all my eggs in to one basket. However, here's to hoping.

I dreamed a dream.

Long ago at the young age of sixteen, I sat down one day with a course guide to a college called West Notts. After scanning over pages of courses and circling ones over others, I picked a course. I decided I wanted to be a film maker.

   For two years I studied media and the moving image learning all about film and TV and the various content that was used within these mediums. Eventually it was time for college too end and so from here I went on to University where I studied film and moving image production at the Northern Film School, Leeds Met which included moving to Leeds.

   I arrived and began creating a new life for myself, building friendships and bonds with people from across the country. Being at University gave me chances to see the world, have amazing experiences and meet a bunch of people I would never be without. However once again comes the time to move on but this time there is a big question I have to ask myself.


"What happens now?"

   My name is Dan. I'm 20 years old and this year, I will be leaving university. Like many other people I feel there seems to be nothing beyond finishing uni except a big black hole of nothingness. Unlike when making decisions before, there seems to be no guidelines when considering what to do next. The big bad world is just a few months away and to be honest I am terrified. 

   I have decided to begin this blog to document the real beginning of my life. My life in the big bad world.


2011 will certainly be an interesting year.