The Miracle

Today I felt my world crashing down. Today a miracle happen. It's something that I've never really experienced before or at least not in the same way as when previous events have happened. Today I thought my time in Leeds was coming to a sudden abrupt end and it wasn't nice at all.

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller-coaster and it's strange because nothing really happened. What I mean is that it was a time where no one else could quite grasp how you were feeling and what thoughts would be going through your head. I recently discovered that due to a misconception of a student loan date I had put my self in a very difficult financial situation, which in turn lead to me deciding and coming to terms with the fact of having to leave university earlier than expected.

I remember the exact moment of feeling the realisation. I was speaking to someone from the bank and as you might gather the conversation hadn't ended well, hanging up the phone I sat in silence and the room felt like a blur. My head was filled with thoughts and then one sank in. "I'm going home" I said a loud but more to myself than everyone else in the room.

They looked around at me confused as I officially announced that I could no longer afford to live in Leeds. The next few moments where just a blur of questions and then silence, I left and headed for my room to sit on my own. I sat and smoked whilst listening to "This Years Love" , closing my eyes I felt the music speak to me and then came what I had been waiting for, the moment. The moment where I suddenly knew how bad the situation was, how it couldn't be fixed and how I felt like I had been cheated out of my last few months of uni. For a moment life was unfair and then I opened my eyes.

I was back in the situation, back in the room and suddenly I grew up. I couldn't pretend any more that it didn't exist and that it wasn't bothering me because it was. I knew that I had to climb on, keep thinking and try different options.

After the afternoon passed by and work loomed closer my heart sank. I hadn't been able to figure out a clear idea of anyway to resolve the problem but only mere attempts at it. Disheartened  I went to work, where obviously I spent most of the time trying to come up with a solution and again as hours passed I began to hope for a miracle.

Giving that up I decided to actually start speaking properly to my friend Sascha who works and also lives with me. We were having a rather ordinary chat when he said something that made me stop and think. He had mentioned the word "bills". At that moment I lifted up my head looking first at Sascha and then up off in to the distance as the resolve sank in. I realised that my problem was also my solution. We had house bills coming out which made me think about the money to pay for them.

The next moment was weird, I could feel myself lift off the ground almost. My whole day had changed again. By lending from the funds for the house bills I could begin to fix everything with just enough time before things got worse. I then felt almost at peace with the world and not everything was quite so bad. My heart lifted, the idea had never even been considered.

Although it may only seem a simple resolve, for me it was a miracle and I'm not religious in the slightest but today I feel like I had a miracle and that miracle is my friends.

The unclear future.

Okay so I literally turned 21 yesterday and thought that a birthday blog would be appropriate. Yesterday was quite possibly the best birthday I have ever had. My friends took the time and to throw a little party for me, buying balloons and party snacks. It sounds a little cheesy but it in fact it was really sweet. To top this off they made sure I was the drunkest I have ever been in my life (at a club we went to later), bought me a few small presents and they gave me card.

Now although the card might not seem that interesting, it is what is written with in the card that spoke to me as I was reading. Instead of generic comments they were all incredibly personal and meaningful. My friend Tom literally wrote "You're the best guy I know". That line has really touched me as it feels genuine. It's made me think about all the different experiences I've shared and had with the people I have met at uni both the bad and good. It's certainly a different experience than what I have had with friends from the past, I feel like my university friends have changed me and I've become a better person for it. I'm more open, I'm more knowledgeable and I'm simply just a happier person. I'm starting to realise what I want, what I want rid of and what's now important to me and what I actually should be worrying about. I feel like I know me better.  I've been sat reading through my livejournal posts that date from the age of 17 to 20 and I can't help smile or laugh about some of the things I say or talk about. However with other things I'm starting to see a pattern:


 It was always reassuring when the plan was straight forward for the next few years yet the connection between college and uni feels so slim right now that it makes me feel rather uneasy about the next 3 years of my life. Though I panic and I worry about not passing my course I guess I should see it as some sort of adventure...the first time in 18 years were I'm uncertain where things are generally going. 
      To me what I've just written sounds like I'm about to give it all up yet I'm really not, I'll keep pushing until the very end of my college course as i'm not planning to let things simply just go down the toilet, I've worked hard today, doing hard work that I love to do. Making film. And I plan to continue doing this at a uni this coming September. -MAY. 30TH, 2008

I've recently been reading through the entries of just before I came to Leeds to start university and simply by reading them I can see how worried I was about the change that was about to happen. Now at the age 21 I'm in the same boat but apparently on a larger scale. Upon till recently I would agreed with the whole idea of worrying but over the past couple of days I've realised there is no need to worry. Now, when I say this I do not simply mean don't worry. I mean it in the sense that it's just the same feeling as before, life is unpredictable and who knows what will happen? Just like I had no idea with the whole prospect of coming to university. From reading that entry I can tell that I was passionate about film making and I still agree with that statement now. I won't ever give up.

The idea of turning 21 has made a lot of thoughts and notions settle on my mind like snow. Everything seems to becoming clear. So instead of writing an entry of how the future is uncertain and how worrying that is, I'll say this instead "The future is an unclear excitement waiting to happen."